Looking for the missing piece

So, it turns out, all I really needed was a pep talk.

I don't want to move. Despite the somewhat rotting cabinet in the bathroom and the random cocroaches that I get swimming in my orange juice, I kinda like my place. I called my mom and cried and in the end, everything was okay.

I went out and bought a new shower curtain, which I don't think is going to work in the bathroon. Too many polka dots. Plus, soon I'll be getting a couch. When I find one I want. And have time to have it delivered. Or when I have time to go get it.

Last night was a blast, as working with Khalil usually is.

The skies are blue with big puffy white clouds and, like Duncan Sheik says, "I'm on a high." By no means a real one, but I'm happy. Maybe Atlanta does like me after all.

It's been a bad June. Probably the worst in my 23 years on this earth. Perhaps that doesn't sound like much, but it is. At least it is to me.

I'm sitting in a Panera on Sunday morning because I don't have internet at my apartment. Why? Because I haven't paid the bill. Why? Because my employer didn't pay me. Until Friday. I was supposed to get a check on the first on June. Not the 27th.

I'm surfing the internet getting directions to different apartment communities owned by Lyon Management because someone tried to break into my place early Wednesday morning. I now keep the butcher knife under my bed. This comes less than two weeks after someone smashed the passenger side window of my car in and basically stole my life - my purse and bag for work.

Apparently Atlanta doesn't like me.

And sitting here, reading Dustin's messgage I struggle not to cry. The tears are in my eyes and spilling down my cheek. I missed a good friend's wedding because I didn't have the money to come home. I was angry with Kerri when she spent the week.

I thought a change would do me good. Thanks Sheryl. I don't think it worked. And if it did, or is doing, it's more than painful getting through it. But like I said to mom, what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.

So, each night, as I make sure that no one is out on the patio, I think about whether Atlanta was the right choice. Should I have gone to New York? It's always there. I like the people that I work with, I think that I have found a place that I really like. But there is always that but . . .

I'm sitting in my dining room/living room drinking Moscato out of one of the wine glasses Jess got me for graduation. It's one of the things that mom sent from home for me to start with here in Atlanta.

It seems likes a crazy couple of weeks just flew by. The last I remember I was with Clare in Hobby Lobby buying a red purse as a way to imagine me in the job in Atlanta. Now I'm here in Atlanta. With an apartment, job and adulthood thrown in somewhere along the way.

I just finished talking to Pam. It was surreal. This is it. This, as I sit right here, is what the last 22 years have been leading up to: me, out on my own. I need a new iron. The one I have a little scary and with the job that I have, which is a little more dressy than the NNA, I'll need one that I feel more comfortable with. These are the things that I'm going to have to start thinking about. Being on my own.

I guess I still feel like I'll be back in Columbia with Greg, Dustin, Jacque and Lynn. But I know that I won't. I know this is the beginning of the rest of my life. And I'm fine with that, at least I think, but there's still something.

I bought some new clothes, including what I hope to wear to Franny's wedding. Ekk. Let's not breach that subject yet. The wine is beginning to take effect. I'm signing off, hopefully be back tomorrow or this weekend.

I'm scared too. Clare said yesterday that she was scared that she would end up alone - that feeling of waking up and not having someone beside you. Well, I've never woken up to someone next to me, but I'd like to.

I took the job in Atlanta. It's the one that I want. New York was a far-fetched rather odd choice for someone like me. I'm close to being drunk and needed to say it. I'm happy with my decision but tired and in desperate need of someone.

I came home this evening and found this among the emails in my inbox.

Kristen:

I heard from Brandi that she STILL does not have her necklace. The one Tau Beta item that YOU stopped me from buying for her 7-8 months ago because YOU wanted to get the girls (Brandi and Megan) something since you were their grandmother. Brandi came to me on Sunday and told me that at first you said you had it, but never gave it to her and then that it was going to be a Christmas present. She was fine with that, but here we are in March and she still doesn’t have the only item that you said you wanted to purchase for her. This isn’t even the first time since, last year you never got Jessica a necklace and Tia and I ended up buying one for her.

Don’t worry about getting it, I already have a necklace that I WILL be giving to Brandi the next time I see her. Maybe if you are lucky she will still consider you her grandmother, as for me this is the absolute last straw. It was one thing when you seemed to be on a personal mission to attack me through your position in Tau Beta, but now I learn that the one thing you were going to do you didn’t. I don’t see any way that I can still think of you as my mother, but at least that mistake wasn’t mine unlike the huge mistake to put you into an office. We would all have been better off with Megan Zimmerman, at least she hasn’t been a backstabbing diva.

Heather

Nothing. I want to cry, I want to be angry, I want to be something. But there's nothing. I needed to get it out. I'm going to check the mail now. And then maybe, I'll cry.

It's been a while. I don't know if it's a while or awhile. Yeah, and I call myself a journalist. So Marty e-mailed me the information for the S&P internship and it's all I want. I just want out of this place. This same place. I need a change. I feel like every week is the same. I'm never going to get my taxes done.

Greg is in Florida for the week. And I don't have a night off until Thursday. I told Dustin that we should get together, drink and watch scary movies. But then I told some Starbucks people that we could all get together at my place on Thursday. I think that by then I will be so tired that I won't have the energy for either.

I just want to be good at something. Anything. Really. One thing that I can have faith in myself that I'm good at. That people know I'm good at. Pam's married. I can't imagine being married. I can't imagine a relationship. Other than the ones in my head.

I hope that this afternoon wasn't a step with Jacque. She didn't like the play. And I can understand people not being 'theatre people'. I've always loved the theatre - what it represents, the imagination, the costumes, the escape. Being somewhere for two hours. Other than here. When I was going to the meeting tonight, I was so excited. I'd found that place. The one where I'm okay with whatever other people think of me, because really, who cares what anybody thinks of me? Only certain people matter. And breaking the rules is okay. Do what I want, within the confines (and maybe that's the wrong work, because it feels trapped, and I'm not when I'm in that world) of my beliefs. I wish I was good at something.

I just wish I didn't have to wish anymore. I made a list of things that I need to start doing. I'm going to work on two more lists - the things I want to be and the things I don't want to be. Be those my beliefs, aspirations, goals, jobs, whatever. I need a chance of scenery. I want that thing that's gonna change me. That's going to make me into something. Not just someone.

I'm going to make a schedule and a budget. And hopefully stick to them. I need to get out here. But then I feel like I'm running. Running from the person that I am that I don't want to be. How do I change?

I'm sitting here, on the verge of tears, wondering how I got here. What happened? And when? Was it really sophomore year? Was it junior year and the fiasco with Mark?

How do you change who you are? Can you train people to the new you? How can I be any more real than I am now? Do I just have to admit more things? I've been thinking about making a list, of all the absolutes in life. The things I feel, the things I want, what I know and what I need to know. The things I do well, the things I suck at. The things I think I'll never have. The things I can only see from standing next to them, but never having. I don't even have a picture of her. And I miss her so much sometimes. But I wonder what I would say, what we would talk about if I did see her. I just want to go home. Go to the hospital and see the room. Walk away from it and turn back, if only I could see her there.

Greg said that he couldn't do this whole working two jobs thing. I know what he means. I don't know why I was so upset that all the managers were in our cafe. I don't know why I was on the defensive. I don't know why I talked to Nick the way I did. Sometimes I don't know why I do the things that I do. And that scares me.

How do I make independent decisions? Should I go or should I stay? Do I want to go to St. Louis tonight and see Kerri or should I stay here, get some work done and sleep in tomorrow morning? Should I actively start looking for someplace different to live, work? Would that make me happy? What is me happy? I don't remember that.

Sometimes when I fade, I can see scenes. The eiffel tower, big ben, the entrance to the tube at earl's court. The library past High Street Kensington, the bus right after Stonehenge, wandering through Bath. And I miss it. And I wonder, I just think about it. And I wonder if I'll even be able to make a decision without someone else's consent. I feel hollow too.

I went into this afternoon feeling like I was going into Dante's Inferno, which despite being a great book, doesn't sound like a fun reality. After fixing the catastrophe that was the City of Columbia bill, I went into work and basically talked to Sara and then Clare for the morning.

After lunch and a whole lot of italian spices (I said extra, not a truck load), I headed across the street for a grande no water chai as a first defense against the upcoming four-hour Learning Coach Class and then three-hour store meeting. While the Learning Coach class was a bit tedious, I think it might have made me see K Held in a new light. While I still don't trust her completely (the way that I don't trust other people, such as the stories that they tell) but I just see her differently.

I also see Todd differently. First, at the end of the night, he told us that as of the end of March (or sometime around then) he will no longer be our district manager. Some woman named Tina, who has been doing a diversity research project on Starbucks, will be our new district manager. But I guess the change happened somewhere between him not seeming to remember, or acknowledge that I was the same person goofing off with Alicia, and the fact that he mediated a great discussion of our store. It basically came down to the fact that everyone at the store LOVES Roland. And the way that he handles everything - himself, the schedule, rushes, ambiguity, his own need for improvement and development and the list goes on and on. Without him, I am sure that the store would go on, but I think that he is such a great boss that we wouldn't function as well or any better without him.

This all made me think how often I judge people, make a quick decision and then, because of something, reevaluate them and then change my mind. I still don't know that I could work well with K Held, but I think I have a new respect for her and the type of person that she is. I think I was putting too much stock in the way Todd was the last time that I saw him, that I didn't realize all the stuff he deals with and the way (the sarcastic way) that he is.

And so I think I am going to try to work on making the perfect cup every time. I am going to work with Scott about drink calling. I am going to try to be a better shift. And most importantly, I am going to write down the things that I want to do - Starbucks or otherwise - and work on getting them and seeing them done. I take notes but don't look at them. I make lists but sometimes they don't get all completed. I make promises and they don't get kept. That is my biggest problem. And the thing I need to work on most.

I think that my bed is probably warm enough now and so I am off to bed. I bid you adieu.

I can't listen to this song without crying. Perhaps its just my mood lately and the fact that I'm tired and attempting to finish my application, but it reminds me of something lost. Something that I think now, ruined me. Something that I believed in, something that affected me so.

I remember writing this line. Over and over in my notebook while Ramsey was talking. That room. I have good memories and bad. I saw my Shakespeare teacher at Starbucks yesterday. It was so strange. I just wanted to go up and apologize. Just like I want to apologize to Sperber. Just like I want to take back what I said to Worthington. I don't know if I'll see him again. I don't know if I'm mad at him or at myself.

I remember things. Flashed of a scene. The feel of something. I remember when Jessica said I care more about what people look like than what they are inside. I can't remember if that was during one day of the Gunter's Sale or if it was at the Jenning's party. But it's in my head.

I need a change.

I went out last night. As in, after work, to an establishment that served alcohol. With Jacque, Jessica (for a little while at least), Erin and Jared. Toward the end Jared said, "We've finally done this. It was long overdue."

And he was right. Worthington told me that I need to get a life. Problem is, I don't exactly know what that means. I'm reading outside of work. I have a class that I'm dedicated to. I have two jobs that I love, despite sometimes saying otherwise. I close on Tuesday night for the first time as a shift. Jared gave me to high fives for that. I really think he and Erin are good together. But I found out something last night I didn't realize - Jared hasn't always been this way, this "I need to be able to provide for my family"-type of guy. He was rebellious. And apparently took anti-depressants while drinking a lot of alcohol. Which he says is bad for you. Who knew?

I lied to Worthington. We ended up talking about Sperber and the Tolkien class. And I lied to him. I sometimes feel like I've got everybody fooled. Even me sometimes.

We spent nearly two hours talking. And it made me think about new things. Unhappy marriages. Money. Putting off the real world. AK 47s. Strange, I know. But my meetings with him are never easy and clean cut.

I also realized, while listening and watching Roland talk yesterday afternoon, that I used to think you did something to produce an end. Rather than being something to constantly you know. He is a great guy. And his convictions and beliefs are firm, stead fast, and even when he doesn't know what to do, he's confident. And I need realize that. That presence.

It's time for me to go to the bank. And figure out where Greg is. I've been hoping all morning that he isn't dead somewhere. Perhaps more expounding later.

P.S. I drank the entire bottle of wine last night. And then proceeded to watch The Devil Wears Prada with Greg. Simon Baker is gorgeous.

I have two jobs - one at the University, that pays quite well, and another, at Starbucks, at which I've just been promoted. I get tips each week and work with some swell people. Just not the super fantastic people that I used to work with. Despite credit card debt, I'm doing okay. And I felt superior to Greg, my gay room mate. He only has Starbucks. But now, he's pretty sure that he's getting another job at a totally cool local pizza joint care of one of our Starbucks partners.

I'm glad that he's happy, but I'm not happy about the fact that now both of us will be making good money. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a little jealous. Shakespeares is a fantastic pizza joint - it's funky and independent. I guess I think that his situation is turning out better than mine. I'm afraid of the person that I have become - not truly happy for my friends, jealous of their accomplishments and (lately) too moody. I want to be happy for Greg, but I want to feel like I've got it better than he does. And I don't like that. I wonder when I turned into such a mean person.

Today was long. At work we went through a mini-seminar about e-marketing and then took Lynn out to lunch because last Saturday was her birthday. After work, I came home, met Greg's friend, Eric, who happens to be one of the girls that was always in the plays Lynn and I used to see during the semester of my rampant theatre going. I worked a bit on the project that Marty is having us do, then went to campus and met up with Brittany and Matt. We worked for a while and then I came home, changed, and went off to Starbucks. Now, I'm home and putting off finishing the power point that I volunteered to put together.

I miss you like crazy too. I just wanted to see him tonight. You know when you think that something, just one thing, will make it all better. I cut this cartoon out off the Missourian the other day. It's a political cartoon depicting the 2008 Political Oscars. It's hysterical yet subtly funny. I like it a lot.

I bought The Wall Street Journal's Complete Personal Finance Guidebook the other night in order to help me both academically and personally (the later more than the former). I know I need help. I just need time to read.

Perhaps I'll stalk Starbucks tomorrow night reading. Like that will help. The mantra that keeps running through my head is, 'someone can't love you until you love yourself.' I think that is crap. I'm going to see Worthington tomorrow. I'm no longer a student. Just a girl who happens to stop by his office and bring him coffee. Sometimes I think it's too bad he's almost as old as my dad, married and a father. Then I wash my mouth out with soap. Erase that last line, please.

I don't think I can put this assignment off any more. It's time to get down to business. Life, as we know it, sucks.

For some reason, I decided to buy some wine this evening. It seems that this hole, I'm-not-in-college liberating feeling has gone to my head.

I was supposed to go with Lynn tonight to see Evita but it snowed and this place isn't known for its ability to do anything about it. For a town of nearly 100,000, we only have three plows. How pathetic is that?

Last night I went out and bought The Wall Street Journal's Complete Personal Finance Guidebook. Today the book that I'm reading for Marty's business and economic reporting class, which I'm now registered for (woot!), arrived. Ekk! I know what I'm getting into - a world that I know barely anything about - but I'm excited. I just wish I had some more time to prepare. I think the wine is going to my head.

I feel like I had more to say, but I can't think of it. Perhaps I should read and then go to sleep. Why does alcohol make us tired?

Another one of my new year's resolutions is that I don't drive while talking on my cell phone. Well, when you get a call that your service might be cut soon if the bill isn't paid, I'll take it. I wonder sometimes, if that by supporting me, my parents have had to let some things slip.

Well, it seems that Mizzou went paperless with its statements this past semester and everyone who was a student then had to jump on board. Too bad no one actually told us. Outright. Oh, it was in the fine print. On page 73. Of 129 pages. So, it seems that registering for Marty's business and economic reporting class is going to be a bit more difficult. I am in credit card debt. After this goes through, I'll owe close to two grand between two credit cards. I hate money. And the fact that I spend it.

I guess I'll just have to see what a few weeks of whatever-is-in-the-fridge is like. That sounded mean. But I know that I've gotten into the habit of eating out more often than I used to. So, we'll see if this has any positive effect on my waistline.

On Monday night, this guy named Paul came into Starbucks. He's tall, with dark curly hair. He had a tall decaf coffee and sat in the corner reading. He came into Brickton on Tuesday because it seems he also moonlights as a technician for some firm in town (or out, I don't know) that Starbucks contracts. He then came into my store on Wednesday night. He happens to be from Decatur. And he's pretty cute. Now, I know myself. At least, this part of myself. I think he's cute. I attempt, in my pathetic way, to talk to him. And then develop a crush. Only, it's not a crush, but a mild liking. Since I don't know anything about him. But he didn't come in last night. I know, because Greg was working and I made an effort to stop by and fill out my direct bill paperwork at the time he normally comes in. I'm putting way too much stock in this.

I had an epiphany on Monday. Monday was big day. It seemed like there was a lot of turn around after that. I realized that I didn't really learn anything in college. I know that I'm prepared for the responsibilities of the outside world. But I just don't feel like I know anything.

I think a shower might help. Hot water streaming all over. Nice smells. A little bit of pampering myself. Sometimes I feel like that's all I do - pamper myself. But I can't tell anymore. I can't tell the difference between what I do for me and what I do for others, through me. Does that make sense? It seems little does anymore.

Sometimes you have to eliminate temptation. That's what I'm going to do. Getting rid of the blanket. Deleting the links. Getting together with Nathan, Jared, Ryan, Jen Ford and Jacque. Taking Marty's class. Developing a PDP at Starbucks. (Attempting) to read a book a week - this month it's Jane Austin. Books about her and written by her. Other suggestions are always welcome. I hope everybody's well.

I just had a thought. I can't believe all the things . . .

That was the last thing I wanted to say here. Too bad I can't remember that. Instead, I'll start afresh and see what I get.

I was following a forest green suburban this afternoon that had a funny license plate. It also had a bumper sticker that read, "the universe is wider than your views on it." I'd like to think that I've got pretty wide views, but I know that I am stubborn when it comes to some things.

I've been watching the first two seasons of Veronica Mars because I got the third/final season for Christmas and I needed a recap. I wish I could be more like Veronica. Sassy but brilliant. Cool and confident but still reserved. I absolutely love the soundtrack. It's amazing.

I had my review with Nick today. I believe I was super proactive about getting it done. We spent nearly two hours talking. I know that I took up a lot more time than he wanted me to. But I was thinking about Starbucks when I was leaving Wal-Mart, I wish it was easier. And I remember this scene that I love from Veronica Mars, when Logan is telling Veronica that their love is epic. He says, "but they never right songs about the ones that are easy." And life, and the pursuit of a good and fulfilling one, isn't easy. The people and the experiences I have from Starbucks are one of a kind. My one of a kind.

I think I'm beginning to realize that I don't get to do this over. This is it. My shot. And each day, while I haven't been able to figure out how to live each one like it is my last, is another one gone by. I spent most of the weekend working and watching Veronica Mars. That's what happens when I find something I love.

I'm going to try to write more. It's one of my resolutions. Cheesy? I know. Tell me about it. I've already broken the one about reading a book a week. But I think I'll get back on track.

Mom just said I'm a good person. Yeah, right. I don't feel like a good person. I keep apologizing to people because I cannot seem to catch up. Sigh.

I can't do it anymore.

I hate the fact that every song I hear is about love. Lost, found, tangled up in it, hopefull for it, wanting it, needing it, hating it, avoiding it, etc.

I wonder if I would still like Nat if he came back. Whenever I think of that period (a.k.a. end of freshman year through sophomore year), it always makes me feel like so much time has passed.

I just realized what I did. And I cried all the way home.

I didn't want to be here but it was the right thing to do.

http://www.newseum.com/todaysfrontpages/default_archive.asp?tfp_show_sort=yes

I enjoy being ambiguous.

I'm glad I got that out. But the more that I think about it, I don't regret it in any way, but there is something nagging at the back of my thoughts. Confusing, tell me about it.

It's all about image, isn't it? And until I get the image, there is no point in even thinking about it. But that be too late? What's going to happen next year?

And with what we were talking about earlier, no one can shake me out of my convictions. I may not want to be one of those daily newspaper reporters who does the same thing everyday, but I would love to go to the Middle East. Perhaps I can volunteer, Red Cross style, and go to Darfur. Iraq. One of the 'Stans. Make a difference. Because making a wish is hopeless.

He's not going to call. And it's going to rain on Wednesday when I planned to wear my cute plaid Bermuda shorts outfit. And Lynn said she told me he was a great catch. Lawyer. I think he'd look good in a suit.